Out of the FOG

January 14, 2011

I dont recall talking much about this

Filed under: Uncategorized — atwittsend81 @ 3:08 pm

It is no secret to any of you that read this blog that I am drawn to and probably actually enjoy drama and disorder. Its the whole “well shits familiar to me/its always been this way” type reasoning. The thing that bothers me about this most is that I cant help everyone. I realized that maybe a year ago. But my approach hasn’t changed at all. Damsel in distress?? I’m all over that situation. PdQ suggested I seek an emotional payoff in doing this. But what does that look like? Cause I sure don’t see it. Interacting with people on the edges of sanity due to stressful conditions? Yeah that is a payoff… failing to be able to do anything to help them beyond trying to show them what is happening? Yeah sounds great as well doesn’t it. I just don’t see the reward he tried to imply I was finding/getting. The second suggestion has always been I’m avoiding doing the work on myself… so what if I do that forever? Will you still love me friends?? Ill quit drinking someday. Ill never be in an abusive relationship again. I have grown. I’m just not a super hero yet.

The second thing that frustrates me is that I’m naturally drawn to fixing girls situations. Which, right outta the gate, creates a question of my motives in these girls minds. Which is totally healthy and I encourage them to always do that. Most of you don’t even know me in real life. I mean… we have shared a ton with each other and our friendships are very real but you have never spent an evening on the couch with me playing games or building beer can towers.

I am also very aware that my near constant availability leads to relationships progressing very rapidly. The way I develop friendships looks exactly like how borderlines seduce victims. I see it… I don’t care. I also have a tendency to put people on pedestals. I see that too. Which tends to make the other party feel closer to me and share more with me essentially feeding my desire to be on a pedestal also. I know it aint healthy. I just don’t let it crush me anymore when one of us falls off. I am very open. I am very honest and this is just what happens. What am I supposed to do about that?

Birdy knows me really well. And she is really really awesome and she still chooses to talk to me even though she knows exactly who I am. (it was awesome to touch base with you last night Jbird!) So I must be doing something right.

The people in the forums still let me chime in as often as I want. (It is also great to be your friend now 2bad…)

My new friend N is still feeling me out I think. (you need to get an internet handle dear… makes this stuff easier…) Her situation is so familiar to all of us it makes me wanna shake her. It makes me want to get 2bad and birdy and have them start a club or something. She often apologizes to me as though she has wronged me. Yesterday got a little sideways on her and I got worried that she was going to stop talking to me. ruh roh the pedestal is shaking!!! I can joke about it but truthfully I am avoiding real world relationships with the hotter gender and talking to a girl who thinks i’m smart and helpful makes me feel good and makes me feel less lonely. I am lonely but girls I pick just keep hurting me so Id rather be alone. So… what is my motive?? I like being useful. I like learning about the things that create problems in other peoples worlds. I like to find solutions so that just one thing on a laundry list of shitty things can be removed and today looks just a little bit brighter to them. Tomorrow we can tackle the next one.

I think that N thinks that I am advocating leaving her relationship. While I do believe that the core personality a person has doesnt really change I think that she could make some changes to prevent more yesterdays from occurring. The tools dont fix everything. Relationships will always be difficult at times but there is a problem with OUR thinking also. Not just our dick head partners. I watched her go from being pretty happy to becoming apprehensive to being stressed out to blind obedience in a short period of time. Dont worry N…I did this…birdy does this… 2bad used too do this… and everyone on here did it too. Going from “happy to becoming apprehensive to being stressed out…” is normal and healthy and appropriate. Blind obedience is f’d. I actually woke up to hit my snooze button and saw her text and it pissed me off to the point I got up early. I hate when abusers win. The injustice of it all turns my stomach and makes me want to wage war with even more passion and better weapons.

I know that things are not always as black and white as they seem. We love our partners deep down. I am still struggling with why exactly that is but we love them and it feels as real as any other love. I get that. But as my friends I feel an obligation to protect you from being marginalized. If I fail at that I fail at that and I feel less guilt then I used to but I am gonna run my mouth. I do not expect people to take my advice as hard fact or as the only appropriate course of action nor do I expect you to even listen to it. Those are things that you will find for yourselves. God knows people were very patient with me when I was in my supercrazyfuntime relationship with the f word. I am fairly intelligent but my advice comes from simple experience. I took my situation to a place that had 20000 other situations like it and compared stories and tried everything I could come up with to force a broken record to play. Experience. Im no smarter then any of you. And you, N, are not wrong for trying to make your shit work. It just pissed me off to watch you believe the bullshit your dude said yesterday. They have a method. Of interacting with others and of arguing that I used to call a double blind. You cannot win. You never will win. So what do you do?? Stop playing. Not leave the relationship just dont argue. Im not saying your dudes a psycho (but he is) im just saying the way he operates is the same as my chick…the same as so many others I have seen. He could kill someone and you could help ditch a body and then rip out the carpet and dispose of that too and he would still bitch at you cause you left some splatter on his shoes. He fucking killed someone and its still you who is messing up. (this was an example folks he didnt really kill anyone…) Dont you see how fundamentally retarded that is? Cause I do. I realize you wanna take all this burden onto your own shoulders and make everyone happy because its easier then standing up for yourself. We all do that to some degree. Just whatever you do stop BELIEVING the things they say are their motives. Heres a decoder ring… if they say “for you” or “you could” its bullshit. They dont think about anything but themselves. Look at all texts and written correspondence for “i think, I feel” type stuff. Whats left? Nothing nice about you or your hard work. If there is something nice its cause they want something. Its not always that way but it often is. I think they do love us they are just not sure what love is supposed to look like. I gotta stop writing this entry.

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January 6, 2011

hmmmm… not sure where this one came from ;)

Filed under: Uncategorized — atwittsend81 @ 6:04 pm

The Awakening

A cold and lonely morning… my eyes are open for the first time
This rooms the same. Cobwebs in corners, dusty dressers taunt me
I still walk in straight lines.
You can talk yourself into knots that strangle you
We begin in darkness
Then forced into such blinding light
So unfamiliar
Almost 30 years it’s taken me to find my sight

So now what
You’ve got the same answers but the problems are always changing

A quiet evening… its getting late but time gets lost in transit
My stomach twisting up and suffocating
I hate it… used to be worse but that don’t help much
Swallow hard… my throat just chokes the words I want to scream at you
And you won’t hear them
I know it but it feels so good to purge
And you smile, all fucking proud of yourself
And I’ll still feel shitty
So I just keep it. In busted boxes stored somewhere deep inside

So now what
You’ve got the same answers but the problems are always changing

So take all this shit or pay for storage

I got twenty minutes and this is quick…

Filed under: Uncategorized — atwittsend81 @ 5:39 pm

I have seen this question asked numerous times…

“how do we confront them and ask them to seek treatment”

bottom line… you dont.  Its like telling someone you think they are ugly.  Its pointless.  If you think they are ugly just get away from them and dont say anything.  Same principle applies here I guess.  If you are in an unchosen relationship (parent/child) situation I don’t see the point either.  You are stuck with them for a while.   Are you really interested in facing more wrath.  They rage because there is a few cups on the counter or the red light is taking too long to change.  Imagine what happens when you tell them they are broken.  It aint pretty.

Knowing this and participating in the discussions on the subject I still went with confronting my ex.  The first time it was because I was sad.  I was sad for what was happening to me/us and I was sad for her.  I couldnt help her because she didnt want it.  I told her all about my participation in the forum.  I told her how I found it.  I asked her to reflect on her past.  Even in the short term.  I tried to show her her behavior was escalating (multiple duis for the first time ever/prostitution/physical violence and altercations).  At first she rejected this.  She said I am fine/this is normal.  I said it isnt normal.  I then presented some of the names for some of her behaviors… push/pull, rage, abuse… some of the repercussions NC with friends and family, jobs… eventually presenting BPD.  She had heard it all before.  Knew all the terms and rejected this idea.  She got mad.  Took responsibility for her behavior and the way she uses and abuses people and flat out said she wanted to continue doing it.  I said what are you gonna do when you run out of people.  She said “kill myself”  and then threatened to do so.  I stopped hassling her at that point.

January 4, 2011

Is the moon full today? Oh its still light out?

Filed under: Uncategorized — atwittsend81 @ 5:37 pm

In school I enjoyed history class. I suppose, at the time, I believed the things my teachers were telling me were facts. I mean, shit, the books were like a hundred bucks each why waste the energy to print half truths or america rules inspirational type “dont you forget it(s).”
The truth is facts are bent to give credit to the source. Just like statistics (and really…f statistics) I mean if Americans were dicks in a certain situation it was all about the end result (and thats the crap we were taught). I dont know that I am illustrating my point clearly.

You know who killed lincoln right? Did you know JWB was like, the brad pitt of his time? Super famous actor. Did you know that JWB’s brother actually saved Lincolns son’s life in a completely unrelated situation? WTF universe? And shame on teachers for not making history more awesome to learn about. Also im pretty sure Abe was into dudes. It said so on facebook.

To draw this all together we can learn a lot from history. People who are awesome tend to stay awesome. People who are jerks will always be jerks. Sure some people reform or change but the nature of a person wont…

This time of year is funny. So what were your resolutions folks? You gonna lose weight? Quit smoking? Look for a new, more rewarding job? Haha surprise surprise I dont make resolutions. I let myself down enough without some lofty unattainable goal looming over me like a guillotine. Id love to quit smoking. Id also love to stay outta jail and not smoking makes me want to fly into a murderous rage! I’m putting my money on stem cells and petri dish lungs once mine give out. C’mon they can clone stuff, you can make me an organ. While you’re at it make ’em stronger and healthier then my OEM ones. You can make billion pound pumpkins these days and bananas are all clones of one old school banana, you can surely church up whatever parts I need. (not so smart banana growers… one rogue mold colony and the monkeys everywhere will revolt!) Just leave my brain alone. It works just fine and no one knows what the hell it is capable of yet anyway!

But anyway… if you’re brave lets hear it. What are you changing for the next twelve months. I’m changing the last digit I write on the date line of my checks and that has historically proved challenging enough for this, slightly more evolved, ape. Thank god I don’t write checks anymore… hahaha. (see that? Evolution and God in two sentences living in harmony!… What do I believe folks? You will NEVER know!)

In conclusion… staying is still dumb and the jerks will always be jerks… You want change? Dont diet… Dont quit smoking… just stop drowning in rivers while your chained into trunks… I dont know why (other then FOG) we cant see that drowning is one of the suckiest ways to die and that when you are drowning for ten, twenty, thirty years you aren’t really living. I like breathing. Do you like it too? Quit mirroring me you crazy person…

wow… was that an earthquake??

Filed under: Uncategorized — atwittsend81 @ 4:55 pm

Hi guys. I missed you. You are all such great friends and I havent heard from some of you in a while.

quick comments… congrats to mobo for becoming an ambassador on the old boards. Hes awesome. Randy Kreiger told him so.

Congrats to Pineapple Pete for becoming a grandpa! (this happened by now right dude??)

My condolences to Birdy and to the universe for trying to keep such an awesome woman down. Universe…you will lose. Birdy is just too bad ass.

Welcome to my new friend Nikki who is going to start blogging a bit herself. She is right at home with us here. She just finding the matches to see through the FOG.

Happy New Year everyone.

September 7, 2010

Hello there tuesday!

Filed under: Uncategorized — atwittsend81 @ 3:43 pm

I dont post as often any more because I guess I didnt have much to say. This weekend I made a choice where I gathered a wealth of new material.

Updates: New tactic. I used to designate my ex as ubpdgf. now she gave me permission to drop the “u” as she finally said to me that she knew she had it and had even gone to DBT for some length of time. Also… i’m fairly certain she found me on here or the other place. She used some of my analogies (only projecting her behavioral shifts onto me). To be fair I do shift directions pretty quickly. I visit, all excited to see her and super happy and loving, and in a second she knows how to completely upset/enrage me. So i’ll own some of that. That’s why I left in the first place. I’m ‘too emotional to be her partner. At any rate… I got to experience the highs and the lows just associating with her for 24 hours. It read like a snap shot of my newbie post. Its hard to believe that anyone could/would want to stay in a situation like that.

You know what prompted the admission? She met some dude who is broken because of a girl like my ex. Even the ex said this girl is scary. If I was a gambling man Id bet this was a dude like me that she recently dated who saw it for what its worth and called her on it. There’s no way there is someone scarier then her in the same general vicinity.

I guess I just wanted to say hello and give you guys a quick update. I’m still out and I’m still ok and getting better. Any new members who would like to chat, please know, I’m always lurking and I have seen pretty much everything as a stayer and as a leaver. Feel free to say hello.

*I know she knows this site in particular.

**If you read this don’t get pissed at me, I haven’t said anything in any of these forums that I haven’t said directly to you.

June 24, 2010

yawn… *arms outstreched

Filed under: Uncategorized — atwittsend81 @ 9:48 pm

So, sometimes… I just need to get away from thinking about borderlines all day every day. I apologize for my absence but since my last post I have been struggling and finally HAD to focus on myself. I have had some unusual insights to how crazy people feel lately. mostly because Ive been feeling crazy.

Anyway. Whats new with you guys? What has changed in your worlds? Naw mines still the same too. Its only been a month! Work and socialize. I do get a lot of alone time lately which is different. Kind of jams though. Especially since Ive learned to sit still. Which most dudes learn when they’re like 10 I am just learning now at 29.

but on the general subject Im usually chatting about this shit takes time. It takes time to get to a place where you don’t care. It takes time to beat yourself up over it until you grow tired of that. and yet even more time still to get to a point where you don’t even want to talk about it anymore. Im getting there. Too bad every other chick I come across that i feel compelled to talk to is also on another planet. ( i wanted to say flying high on sunshine and unicorns) So crazy is shoved down my throat like a hot dog at a cubs game. No wonder Im always thirsty. I guess its probably the situations I find myself in put me in the position to encounter these people in the first place. So it all comes back to working on yourself. Its funny a while ago I met these self important pieces of shit on a ridiculous(ly awesome in theory) message board and they told me that same thing. “dude stop worrying about crazy people and fix yourself and then everything falls into place (like a little kid puzzle that’s all easy).” And I wasn’t ready and they kicked me outta the cool kids club for this. Even if your advice is worth listening to if you act like an abuser we wont digest any of it. So I got to this new little island that is unfamiliar through the support and guidance of wiser adults who were once just like me. The whole (GOD DAMN) concept behind an online community. There are so many of you guys who read this who literally have dragged me outta the gutter again. Quit being rescuers. naw, I’m just kidding Id be a goner if you guys quit reaching out to me. There is certainly an unspoken kinship in these communities. Silencing people in these situations is soooooo… i dunno whats brutal enough to describe it. Its malicious. Pointless and sour and ugly. Ive seen enough ugly. Yet I still like to see gruesome stuff anyway.

anyway. I rejoined the internet community these past few days. Full on. I dig it. I must be feeling better. Today I got to chat up a bunch of newbies and they were engaged and taking something away from it. Those aforementioned self important types… they were right about that too. There absolutely is a pay off to helping a person in a bs situation you have found your way out of before. You know what though? They thought I did it for an emotional(ly selfish) pay off. I think today I learned the real reason is its just less soul crushing then the rest of my day. There is something to be said for the support I recieved from others and now I am in a position to return that kindness. That cannot make me a bad person.

Now I have a safe home environment. I got things sorta figured out. I surround myself with ONLY people I care about. I’ve got the energy to talk to the newbies again. Ive got the energy to post again. I want everyone…staying or leaving…to feel like they can talk to me. I dont wanna be the one who needs to be worried about. (yeah…but seriously… gotta work on yourself dude or your outta the cool kids club)

ok… now that we are reacquainted sufficiently. I just put on Steve Miller “Take the money and run”. Today on the boards people were ruminating. Remember a long ago post about how I had had enough of that in my own situation. I truly wish I had advice on that. One dude suggested after a lot of time he had found the strength to venture back to places he had been avoiding due to the memory flood he would endure there. That takes a lot of growth and healing to get to that place. I used to sing this song at karoake. I loved this song way before I rode a coaster. So Im taking my song back. Anything less would just be injustice. Im tipping the scales at 172 these days. Lady justice is on my team more then ever before. I know you feel me PP. bwahahaha.

***the forums that I mentioned are numerous. Most of you know me from the original one I met you on which I wont mention for various reasons. However… http://shrink4men.freeforums.org/ this one needs our assistance I think. The community is showing signs of imploding. We need your clear headed, rational ideas and insights to grace its presence. Chicks can chat too. Watch out for the shit piles present these days.

June 23, 2010

I apologize for my absence

Filed under: Uncategorized — atwittsend81 @ 10:38 am

I am currently looking for guest bloggers to steer the ship for a minute. I will post more later today.

Hang in there friends.

May 11, 2010

so yeah about those dream demons

Filed under: Uncategorized — atwittsend81 @ 2:03 pm

She watches the words escape her lips
Disbelieving them herself
Now I can hear her heartbeat faster
As she looks up and to the left
Its no great mystery to me that she’s been trapped under debris
And simply knows no other way, then to rewrite history
So run away now
The suns out and smoke is rising from your flesh

This dumpsite’s over run with weeds
My veins have been sucked dry
I can see her hands now trembling
And panic shifting in her eyes
She knows its over, she’s ravenous, she’ll likely starve to death
In the past I would have offered her my final breath
So I could see her from your heavens
In the daylight once again

But once an angel has fallen, hell begins calling out their names
And when the silence is broken, you surrender, emptiness is all that remains

It was her choice…
she carved out a healthy heart that bleeds real blood
for a black one with the devil riding shotgun

I, War

Filed under: Uncategorized — atwittsend81 @ 3:48 am

I have been dreaming. Not sure how fully related this all is to BPD but I will try to tie it all up I guess.

Ever since I can remember I cannot sleep. When I was little I used to get up way before the sun and sit around waiting for the world to join me. As I got older this evolved to me waking up multiple times in the night. The past few years it has evolved again. Now its all about nightmares. I have some pretty horrendous nightmares. and they scare the shit out of me. Since BPD girl the dreams are all straight forward. My subconscious telling me this whole situation (well beyond the reach of BPD I think my whole life) is toxic.

*the first one had me and her and all our kids and she was completely off her rocker. We were deciding what to eat (which was always a trigger) and she was getting angry. Frustrated that she didnt have immediate gratification. We decided upon a sandwich shop. As soon as we got out of the car her whole countenance changed. This was beyond dysregulation sunken black eyes stuff. Her face was completely distorted and she identified herself as a literal demon. I told the kids to run and made the bigger boys make sure they all stayed together so that I could find them. We had a staring contest for a while which shook me to the core. I dont remember if any words were exchanged but it was evident what was happening and what her intentions were. She wanted to take us all with her to hell. That was never gonna happen. I engaged her in this stare down and battle trying to instill fear in me for as long as I could. When she motioned to come around the car I took off. I dont think I ever ran that fast in my life. I didnt watch the kids run off but I knew where they were. She pursued and we got away. End of story. She was always bad and evil in my dreams before this but she never straight up showed me she was a demon.

*I am in some strange dysfunctional house. There is clutter everywhere. I hear things being broken in the room neighboring mine. An explosion breaking the door off its frame introduces my fictional two brothers who are literally trying to kill each other. nothing but brute force and blunt trauma. Screaming and blood and sweat. It all is happening so fast its like the tasmanian devil cloud of destruction. I tried to intervene but that was stupid. I grab my cell phone to call the cops outside. As I leave the house these two come crashing through the front window and bring their conflict outside. As I press send I look back quickly to gauge my own safety and look toward the street where the cops would come from. I see a woman in the distance. I know her stride. Cause I watch this girl walk and talk and dance and laugh. I know my ex like you know a movie you have watched a thousand times. She was coming toward me. Head down bound and determined to ruin my day. As she got closer I think I wanted to be back inside with the two brothers. It was safer. When she was closer still I could see she had her demon face on. She said nothing and walked up and stabbed me in the stomach and chest. I woke up. This one shook me up. There were many more but these are the ones I remember.

Today I wake up after being visited by an unknown man. I have seen him before. One other time maybe a month ago in my dreams. I honestly dont remember that one much other then I met him on craigslist under the impression I would be writing short stories and fictional works for screen plays that he was working on in college in the city. I have done this in real life but I never met the people I just wrote stories and gave it to them. I remember in the first dream he revealed his primary intentions were to kill me. He was a serial killer. and he kinda hated my story about a murderer. I remember a violent struggle. The whole time I was basically trying to upset his ritual so he would lose control. He was way stronger then me and he had a gun. But I am resourceful and equally brutal. I dont care who you are if you try to kill me. I will kill you first if I know you are coming.

Tonights episode starts in the living room of the same house we met in before. The one I had escaped. Apparently I went back on my own volition. He flashed the same disarming smile at me. His voice is slow and deep and commanding. I had handful of printouts of emails. I said “you would like this girl” and handed her email to him. As I went to hand it off I quickly scanned the list of other items so as not to reveal anymore personal information. (in retrospect it feels like I was genuinely back on the cause…write a good story…) but as I handed it off I thought… i just gave a psycho some innocent girls info. Like I had selected a new victim for him. But again… as I scanned the list I saw the name he chose to be displayed… something I had never noticed before. I, War. The whole thing started going sideways. So I left. He let me go. A few days later I am at the store in a car that isnt mine that I am having a lot of trouble getting comfortable in. The passenger door opens and the man gets in and says… “I did it wrong…” I had apparently upset his ritual again and this was really becoming a tiresome trend to him. I said… “Ill kill us both” and I woke up.

I have read more about dream interpretation then Id care to have had too. I war, to me, means Internal conflict. I am at war. With my own personal demon nest. I wanted to write this all out so if I do go back to sleep he doesnt return tonight.

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